


In the Beginning

by Franchezka_Aizabelle



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18000959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Franchezka_Aizabelle/pseuds/Franchezka_Aizabelle
Summary: G-Dragon was art. A chaotic arrangement of colours spread seemingly arbitrarily upon a white canvas- modern art they’d say. Beautifully yet purposefully archaic. It was easy to understand why he captured the hearts of many considering he was that quiet, unruly type that we all romanticized.Kwon Ji Yong, on the other hand, was a mess. A person that is so absorbed in playing a character, he often forgot who he was. Obsessed with love and anything dark to write his next single for his perfect alter ego. So much so that he often gets into relationships for the sake of love, rather than the person with whom he’s entering a relationship with.The first time I met him, disgust and disdain evident in his eyes. The way he looked down on me, as if I had nothing to show. Evidently, in the next coming months, I helped him prove himself right.Originally posted in my side blog in Tumblr: https://openingtheclosetdoors.tumblr.com/seungrithebeginningPosting just the first installment here for ease of reading.





	1. First

G-Dragon was art. A chaotic arrangement of colours spread seemingly arbitrarily upon a white canvas- modern art they’d say. Beautifully yet purposefully archaic. It was easy to understand why he captured the hearts of many considering he was that quiet, unruly type that we all romanticized.

Kwon Ji Yong, on the other hand, was a mess. A person that is so absorbed in playing a character, he often forgot who he was. Obsessed with love and anything dark to write his next single for his perfect alter ego. So much so that he often gets into relationships for the sake of love, rather than the person with whom he’s entering a relationship with.

The first time I met him, disgust and disdain evident in his eyes. The way he looked down on me, as if I had nothing to show. Evidently, in the next coming months, I helped him prove himself right.

Big Bang: The Beginning, a show that introduced 6 teenagers to the world, presented to be the first idol group under YG entertainment. Lee Seunghyun, a boy, introduced to 5 incredibly talented teenagers who had potential to be real idols.

I knew I was severely out of place. I knew. Everyone knew. But out of everyone, one person showed it. Head to toe, he showed me that everything I did was inferior not only in comparison to him, but in comparison to everyone.

From the age of 13 years old I had been recognized as one of the two best dancers in Gwangju, I was great. Participating in our region’s top dance group, Il Hwa, I had something to show. It didn’t come as a surprise to me or any of my fellow members when I was later invited to participate in Let’s Coke Play. Although I was eventually eliminated, I knew I had received an opening to start my career as an idol. I was set…

I was 15 when I was scouted by YG entertainment to audition in their first idol group. I had so much confidence. At 15 years old, I was confident I could succeed in debuting with this idol group. That confidence, however, was chipped at day by day by the people around me.

After my successful audition, I was asked to come to YG Entertainment to meet the rest of the members that would be part of the idol group.

Walking past several dark hallways, I was ushered into a big, bright dance room. Upon entering, the first thing I saw were a pair of beautiful, dark, brown eyes. Not beautiful because they glittered or shined or whatever bullshit people spouted. Beautiful because it showed me how insignificant I could be to others. A pair of eyes that almost put me in my place. At that moment, I realized I had entered something severely out of my league.

He stared me down… He didn’t like me… He hated me…

I didn’t belong here…

Kwon Ji Yong… Dong Young Bae… Choi Seunghyun… Kang Daesung… Jang Hyunseung…

The five members I was supposed to compete with to earn my place as a member of this idol group.

There was something different about him… Kwon Ji Yong.

Something superior. Something that drew people in. He knew it. They people he graced with his attention knew it. He made people feel like they needed his attention. Yet at the same time, he made people feel like they didn’t deserve his attention. This push and pull effect he had on people.

This boy is supposed to be here. Even someone as important as Yang Hyun Suk treated Ji Yong hyung as someone special. YG’s treasure. He was a gold mine waiting to be mined. Despite having to compete in this reality show, he was already guaranteed a spot.

Ji Yong hyung could sing, rap, dance, talk better than all the 5 other members. He was guaranteed a spot. We all knew it.

Although he didn’t always look the idol part, as soon as anyone was in his presence, they feel it. That aura of someone that’s about themselves. Better than them. A diva-like presence.

“What about Youngbae and I?”

“What about us?”

“We’ve been training for 6 years.”

“We’re supposed to debut as GDYB.”

“What about us?”

He wasn’t happy. We weren’t supposed to be here. I wasn’t supposed to be here.

The door to the dance room left ajar, I listened into their conversation as Ji Yong hyung voiced his complaints. I saw Youngbae hyung sitting in the corner looking resigned. He had accepted this. I suppose being under an entertainment studio, they didn’t have much of a choice really. We’re all just kids under the rule of money and power.

He walked out of the room and saw me… glared at me. He knew I heard the conversation. He knew I knew he didn’t like me.

From that glare, our relationship for the next year was determined. He ignored me. Whenever I asked him a question, he would not answer. He treated me like a ghost.

The only time I’d hear his voice directed at me was during dance practice, when he needed to lead us and show us the right moves. When he didn’t like something I did. When I made a mistake.

To be rejected by someone as great at Ji Yong hyung was disheartening. Even if I were to succeed under this idol group, which he is already guaranteed a spot in, it still wouldn’t really work… right? He didn’t like me. I wanted him to like. I wanted him to approve of me. I wanted him to validate me. He knew that.

Our dorm had four bedrooms. Ji Yong hyung shared a bedroom with Youngbae hyung and Seunghyun hyung. Daesung hyung and Hyunseung hyung shared a bedroom, while I was by myself in a room with all of our clothes. I liked it this way because this meant I could be alone when I needed to be. I hated it because I was always left alone.

Our days started in early at 6 am without fail. Practicing… dancing… singing… training… All of it while being filmed. All of it while being criticised… All of their criticisms later would be televised…

Our nights mostly ended at 1am. Sometimes if we did something right, at 12am. If we couldn’t get anything right, at 2am.

One the rare nights I got to finish early, I would sit in the lounge at the dorm and watch dramas. It was the only time I’d get to hear other people’s voice that wasn’t trying to tear down my confidence. Only words I’d get to hear that wasn’t trying to waver my determination. Voices that weren’t painful to listen to.

Well that and Youngbae hyung. Youngbae hyung liked me. He liked everyone. He was nice.

But his attention would always be towards Ji Yong hyung. Those two worked perfectly together.

Eight months in, the news I’d been dreading finally came. Hyunseung and I were being cut out of the Big Bang. The world I’d started to create for myself in the last eight months was being taken away. Funnily enough, I saw it coming.

“You’re a good dancer.”

“But we don’t need dancers.”

“We need singers…”

What have I been doing for the last eight months?

Hyunseung hyung left first. He was picked up by his mother. All the members were there. They were all crying as they said goodbye, while I was in my room packing my belongings.

I had to travel using the bus. Only Youngbae hyung came to see me off along with Sean hyung. I waved frantically but there was only two people to really say goodbye to.

Yang Hyun Suk gave us another chance. He gave both of us another chance to compete to see who could fill the final gap for his idol group.

“There’s a 10 percent chance you’ll make it.”

The presentation would happen in two weeks. I had two weeks to turn this around. I had two weeks to prove I was something.

A text from a number I don’t recognized.

Sing – unknown number

Five reasons why I should be in Big Bang… I give you five reasons why I should be here.

First, I fit the maknae image. Second, dancing- I have experience in performance and choreography. Third, concept. I can draw fans in with my cute, smooth, and playful image. Fourth, my confidence. Fifth, I don’t have a fifth reason. If you give me this opportunity I will work hard.

The fifth reason is Haru Haru.

Haru Haru, the song I chose to sing. The song I chose to perfect. The song I chose to present to the Yang Hyun Suk, to the four members of Big Bang, to Hyunseung hyung, my fellow competitor, that I deserve this last spot.


	2. Second

I got in…

I got into Big Bang…

I was chosen as the final member…

I succeeded…

I was Victorious.

I saw him laughing while I was listing out the reasons as to why I should be chosen as the final member. He didn’t laugh because it was funny. He laughed because I was audacious.

I saw him glaring through the mirror as I was singing. He wasn’t glaring at me because he hated me but because he knew that this song had won over Hyun Suk. He was glaring at his new member.

But then maybe I misunderstood because when I finished the song…

I saw that he didn’t applaud me like all the other hyung did…

I saw him nodding his head. I saw him smiling. It wasn’t strained. It didn’t seem like it was simply done for the camera filing our every move. It felt like real approval.

Maybe I was victorious in this sense too…

For my win, Youngbae hyung hugged and congratulated me.

For my win, Daesung hyung offered me a gentle smile.

For my win, Seunghyun hyung nodded his head at me and shook my hand.

For my win, Jiyong hyung stopped glaring at me.

Turns out, I was wrong. Jiyong hyung still continued to ignore me.

We were preparing to debut as a quintet soon and he still hadn’t spoken a single word to me that wasn’t harsh criticism.

But he did stop glaring at me. He voice stopped sounding like it was hate… just disapproval.

I felt homesick.

This felt so different from the groups I saw them debut on TV. In most of the idol groups I’ve seen, all the members are so close. So close that people often blurred the lines between friendship and romance.

It still didn’t feel right. I felt so out of place.

I felt homesick…

I felt alone…

Nights were getting harder. After practices I’d just spend time in my room all by myself. All the other members had roommates, except for me. I resulted to watching dramas in the evenings. It helped with my homesickness.

But when I’m in my room at night, I cry. I try to stop myself from feeling so lonely. I try to stop myself from missing home and my mother. But it’s so hard so I cry.

Then it happened… Three months later it happened, and it changed our entire relationship.

All the other hyungs were already in their beds resting after a long day of practice. I was sitting in the lounge flicking through channels waiting for Goong, a drama I’ve been keeping up to, to start.

“When is Goong playing tonight?”

Jiyong hyung had asked. I wondered at first if the question was directed at me as his voice lacked any hint of malice. There was no one else in the lounge but him and I.

I stared at him blankly as he raised his eyebrow at me, staring back.  
The question was directed at me.

“Hyung, the drama starts at 8pm.”

I answered politely with as firm a voice as I could muster given the circumstances of our current relationship.

He simply walked back to him room.

My chest was pounding. I could almost hear it. I could feel the sweat slowly run down my scalp as all the tension left my body when he walked out.

Did that mean anything? Are we okay now?

Apparently so because at exactly 8pm he walked out of his room and sat beside me as Princess Hours played.

At the start, I hardly paid attention to the drama. I just mirrored Jiyong hyung’s reactions. This led to him reaching his hand to poke my cheek until it dug into my teeth.

“Pay attention to the drama. Not to me.”

With that I started to watch properly. Hyung asked a few questions because he had missed a few things bingeing the show at night. I answered each question with an unnecessary excitement, only too eager to please him.

When the episode ended, he turned his body to face me. His expression somewhat blank.

I waited for him to say something. He didn’t, he just continued to look at me.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Don’t cry in your room by yourself. If you cry about being along while being alone, it’s gonna feel like you’re drowning. It’s counter-productive.”

“Even if I wanted to cry with someone, there’s no one to cry to so yeah I cry about feeling lonely alone.”

“It won’t be like that anymore, Seunghyun. I’ll make it easier.”

He got up from his seat and started to make his way back to his room.

“Will you be there so that I don’t have to cry alone, hyung?”

He stopped walking. Silence ensued between both of us. But there was no tension.

He didn’t respond. He just continued to walk back into his room.


	3. Third

I retreated into my room, mauling over his words in bed. My brain didn’t wander too deep into his responses though, as I drifted off to sleep. It was the first time since I became an official member of Big Bang that I fell into a deep sleep. It was calming.

The next day, I woke up at 5 am, before anyone else was awake. I was preparing for a light breakfast for the other guys as well. Perhaps it was because of last night and my good sleep that I was more willing to do it this morning that all the previous mornings.

Not even 10 minutes later, Youngbae hyung got out of his room, his hoodie only halfway through his head.

“Oh Seunghyunnie, you’re awake already? You okay?”

“Yeah, hyung. I slept really well last night so I got up early this morning. Rare, I know.”

“I saw Jiyong watching that drama with you last night.”

I didn’t really give him a verbal response, but a uselessly happy smile broke my previous lethargic expression. Youngbae hyung shook his head offering a small laugh. I suppose the situation was kind of silly. But I suppose out of all of us, Youngbae was the one that understood Jiyong’s stubbornness best. I mean he’s only had to deal with it for the last 5 years.

Soon all the other members were coming out of their rooms. We were all sat down having a quick breakfast. Only the clatter of utensils against dishes could be heard as we all struggled to stay awake.

Jiyong’s voice broke the silence… broke the trance…

“Seunghyun, can you get me a cup of coffee?”

Everyone stopped moving to look at him. We all thought he was talking to Seunghyun hyung, but he was directly looking at me. That and the likelihood of Jiyong ordering Seunghyun hyung was really low considering he was younger than the latter.

“Yes, hyung.”

One coffee, two sugars. That’s how hyung likes his coffee.


	4. Fourth

Kwon Jiyong was the epitome of complicated. He was that type of madness where you would see too much but never have the pleasure of understanding any of it.

He loved to pour his heart and soul into his music. His words are always so raw.

But despite the honesty and rawness of his words, the delivery was always so damn cryptic. The type to tell you too much but leaving you to understand only so little of it.

That’s called madness…

That’s called artistry.

After those moments we shared together, his affections only increased. Hyung learned to open his heart to me…. And once he started, it wasn’t the slowly, loving affections that could warm a friend’s heart. One that could create a friendship that lasted a lifetime. 

It was an endless flood of affections coming at me. It was suffocating but so satisfying.

The following night, we had dinner out with YG staff as they had finally finalised the songs we would debut with. We would start recording, dance practices, and filming next week.

Jiyong got me to sit beside him. He would keep adding more meat and rice in my plate even though we could only get a limited number of servings.

When we arrived home and all the other members would just jump into bed, he would stay up with me to watch dramas… Princess Hours. He liked it. I liked it.

He would shuffle close to me when we’re on the couch.

It felt so good to win him over.

But it was baby love. He coddled me. He took care of me. He wanted the best for me.

I still wasn’t an equal. I wasn’t like Youngbae hyung. At the age of 16, I didn’t understand why I was different.

When we started recording for our debut song, La La La, he would stay up to help me control my voice. I was still going through puberty, so my voice wasn’t as settled as his or Youngbae hyung’s. It would often crack.

Crack…

“Lee Seung Hyun, stop singing from your throat. I can see that damn throat tightening.”

“Sing from your stomach. “

“This should tighten.” He pressed on my lower chest.

“Not this.” He lightly brushed over my throat, over my Adam’s apple. The touch felt good.

Light tingles… I felt light tingles from my ears to my fingertips.

My cheeks flushed a little. My ears flushed too much.

“Yes, hyung.”

The next day, I was walking through YG hallways, headed to the recording studio. The hyungs had gone earlier while I was working on the choreography of La La La. That meant that I had to do recordings only after I finished a segment of choreography.

The door to the studio was left ajar, voices could be heard.

“Jiyong, I saw what happened last night. That wasn’t okay.”

“Ji, he’s still 16 years old. This is the age where everything gets confusing. It doesn’t help that he’s debuting now with us. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t understand yet. The last thing he needs are actions that will confuse him.”

“I know that. I know. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just mentoring him.”

“There’s nothing to my actions… but I will be careful.”

“That’s what I’m expecting, Ji. I’m not saying this for you. You’re turning 19 soon. We’re considered adults. We’ve known the expectations and demands of this entire industry since we were 13. He’s 16. He doesn’t. I’m saying this for Seunghyun’s sake.”

The hyungs should learn to close doors properly…

I walked away.

I came back 30 minutes later, just in time for when I was supposed to start recording.

Seated on the couch of the studio was Jiyong. He looked up from his phone. I stared at him for a while, my vision blurred slightly as my eyes watered. The edges of my lips were slowly inching down as I was ready to burst into tears.

I bit my lip.

I’m not crying in front of him.

Jiyong hyung would feel bad. He’s done nothing wrong, I thought. Youngbae hyung is wrong. I’m not going to misunderstand anything.

I nodded at Jiyong hyung to greet him, as I held back my tears.

The recording went well. I sung everything correctly just as I did last night, just like how Jiyong hyung taught me how to do it.

He smiled at me through the see-through glass. He was satisfied with my singing.

When we arrived back to our dorm, I rushed to my room. I felt like suffocating. I didn’t understand what I was feeling.

I mean there really was nothing wrong with what Jiyong hyung did. He did nothing wrong. I mean yes, I reacted differently from what I expected but I mean that’s a little thing.

There was nothing to be sad about… but for some reason, I felt an uncontrollable sadness. I couldn’t hear my sobs, but gasps of breath broke the silence every few seconds.

What is wrong with me today?

I sunk to my knees. My chest was aching. It hurt so fucking much. I couldn’t breathe.

What is going on?

It felt like forever, but suddenly a gasp of breath brought me back to my senses. That’s right, breathe. I need to breathe.

When I looked up from the ground, Jiyong hyung was standing by the doorway, looking down at me with a heartbroken expression. There was so much sadness in that face that was usually graced with a dismissive expression or a cheeky grin.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to me, sinking on to his knees.

“Hyung, something’s wrong with me.” My voice cracking. I was panicking but a part of me was also calm.

“I couldn’t breathe, and my chest was hurting so much.” I held his shoulders, as I tried to grasp some semblance of reality.

“What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m sick.” The tears and snot wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get my chest to stop tightening.

Stop tightening, damn it. I can’t fucking breathe.

“Shhhhhhhh…” Hyung just pressed my face to his neck. His hand on my hair as his other hand pressed my back to move closer to him.

It was uncomfortable. My back hurt. He kept me in his arms for forever.

Gradually, the tightening in my chest stopped. My breathing was slowly becoming controlled.

Jiyong peeled me off his body and dragged me into my bed. He pulled the sheets over both of us as he placed me back to rest my head against his arm.

“Hyung, I’m not sick?” I still didn’t understand what that was. Maybe I had a heart condition.

“Seunghyun… you’re not sick. That was a panic attack.”

Oh…


	5. Fifth

That night I struggled to get to sleep. Jiyong hyung had both of his arms wrapped around my upper body, while his legs were intertwined with mine. Suffice to say, my physical body struggled to relax. To say the same was the case for my mental state would be a gross understatement of the fact.

A panic attack… Never had one of those before.

Even after being finalized as a member of this group and receiving all of everyone’s harsh criticisms, a part of me of, albeit a very small part, always felt self-assured. I think that was because I believed that my insecurities and weaknesses were just part of the journey and that someday, when I’m much older, I would overcome those. Every other part of me that lacked confidence clung on to that small sense of security that I would grow out of my weaknesses.

But my panic earlier had nothing to do with being treated harshly or feeling worthless so close to our debut. I’m almost completely certain it had something to do with the man who’s currently breathing down my neck, literally speaking.

I moved slightly closer to Jiyong, so I could focus on nothing but his breathing, hoping that maybe that could lull me to sleep. Jiyong moved slightly to unravel his arms around me, when I realized he was about to slip of the edge.

Despite seeming like someone who everyone would accommodate for, hyung was oddly so accommodating for others as well.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to the centre of the bed so that he wouldn’t fall, as a settled myself beside him, my back against the wall.

“Seunghyun, are you not comfortable?” His voice groggy from being half-asleep.

I was probably moving too much that he woke up.

“No, hyung. You were about to fall of the bed.”

“Ah, the world chose right. My maknae is so caring.” He patted his arm insisting that I lay my head on it, so he can hug me to sleep. I would have but there was no guarantee I was ever going to get any sleep. That and, well, his arm would probably go numb after a while.

Instead I turned Jiyong hyung around, so he was facing the door and I hugged him from behind.

“Just sleep hyung. I don’t need to be babied. I just need to find a pillar to support me right now.”

“I can be a pillar.” His voice broke into an almost inaudible whisper.


	6. Sixth

I woke up before Jiyong hyung and got through my usual morning routine- preparing breakfast and rushing to get ready for another busy day.

Jiyong didn’t mention what happened the night before to me. We didn’t really talk about my little episode, but he continued to baby me. At this point, I began to accept that that was just how Jiyong hyung was.

He could be a total snob to people he didn’t like, but almost too clingy to those he did like.

Although we never talked about the reason for my attack, he continued his nightly visits… well, I should say early dawn visits.

I would be fast asleep by 12 or 1 am, but routinely get woken up at around 2 or 3 am by arms wrapping around my shoulders almost every night. Hyung would come in after staying up writing music and lyrics, and sleep on my bed instead of being in his room.

This routine of his, although let my mind sleep more comfortably, caused my body physical exhaustion. Sleeping with my back completely glued to the wall was anything but comfortable. That and having someone cuddle me every night was not something I was used to.

Jiyong hyung wasn’t the only one that was clinging to me lately. I noticed that Youngbae hyung was being more and more playful with me. Almost purposefully stealing my attention from Jiyong. Although it was in Youngbae’s nature to be playful, I’m sure a part of him is doing it to remind Jiyong of boundaries.

Something that was going to cause my 16-year-old-brain confusion apparently.

My relationship with Seunghyun hyung and Daesung hyung also improved. Daesung was always polite and smiley, but lately we’ve had times where we were able to just casually share meals together, just the two of us. Seunghyun hyung, on the other hand, was always the open one. Open and weird. Getting along with him isn’t hard at all. He likes to feed people and share ideas for food.

I was grateful in their endeavors to foster a relationship with me.

Suffice to say I was slowly finding my place within these four incredibly talented boys. I was starting to feel like I belonged here, with them. They made me feel like I belonged here, with them.

Seunghyun wins again.

However, I guess in life there’s that saying… that saying that everyone keeps repeating.

You win some, you lose some.

Something people say again and again because its not possible to keep winning in life. You can’t keep winning. Everyone has a winning streak that’s destined to break.

Divine intervention wasn’t kind in reminding me that the probability of breaking my winning streak only kept increasing.

A few weeks before our official debut, the practices where getting more intense as we sought perfection, yet they were getting shorter as everything was already embedded in our muscle memory.

One thing I noticed about Jiyong during these weeks was that he was attentive towards everything. Well I knew that from the beginning. He was attentive to everyone’s mistakes regardless of how minute. He was attentive towards me, relentless in showing affection through excessive physical intimacy. He was attentive in perfecting his rap and singing. He was attentive in his processes, never failing to write two songs every night even if they were just lyrics.

He was attentive. 

He was also incredible attentive to his phone.

At the start, I thought he was just messaging his family.

Turns out I was very wrong.

Two weeks before our official debut was when I finally had the opportunity to listen to our debut songs, our EP. In it contained a remix version of Maroon Five’s This Love. The words re-written by Jiyong.

“Youngbae hyung, this song… the lyrics were rewritten by Jiyong hyung?”

I asked, as I sat on the computer chair in the recording studio. The question made both Seunghyun hyung and Daesung hyung look up at me in confusion.

“Yeah, he rewrote the lyrics and Hyung Suk hyung liked it, so it was added in for our release. It’s about Jiyong’s girlfriend…well… ex-girlfriend…well…if you could call them that… it was complicated.”

Youngbae ended that statement slightly hesitantly.

I didn’t know about that. I felt a little sting in my chest.

I guess I am starting to misunderstand.

Apparently Jiyong hyung had been with someone, referred to as J, who already had a boyfriend. This all went down during the weeks that we were getting close to each other. When Jiyong hyung was growing fonder of me.

What I couldn’t work out was how he had managed to write lyrics like that for a girl that he technically wasn’t even dating. A girl that he knew full well was messing with him. How he could be so devoted in constantly texting her and grovelling when he could to be with her. Well at least that’s what Youngbae hyung told me.

Actually, that’s a lie. What I couldn’t work out was why I felt slightly wronged by the entire situation. I almost feel like he should have told me. I don’t know why I feel like he’s obligated to inform me about his romantic pursuits, but it feels like something that should be said so that one party in a confusing relationship don’t misunderstand their position.

So that I don’t misunderstand my position.

I guess Youngbae was right. This is confusing.

My winning streak broke.


	7. Seventh

All three of the other members felt my sudden disheartened mood. The conversation that happened afterwards seemed to purposefully drift away from Jiyong. I suppose they were only trying their best to lighten the blow that I was feeling. It seems like they all knew about his relationship with this girl except for me.

That night, as I left the dance room to head back to the doors, Daesung hyung ran up to me, leaving the other two behind.

“Seunghyun, wanna have dinner with me outside? Just you and me?”

Daesung asked, bringing out his sweetest smile. One that was impossible to disappoint by saying no.

“It’s my treat.”

Well, I suppose being treated for dinner was one way to get my mind off my confusion.

“Yeah, sure. I’d love that.”

We sat down in a corner table in some rundown restaurant a few blocks down from our dorm. There was comfortable silence between the two of us as we started eating but if I had to guess the sudden reason for his invitation, it would probably to talk about Jiyong hyung.

“Seunghyun, you didn’t know?”

I guessed right apparently…

“No, hyung, I didn’t know at all. Not that it matters because, I mean, it doesn’t really have anything to do with me.”

“We all thought you knew. We all thought that was the reason he’d been sleeping in your room with you, instead of being in his and Youngbae hyung’s room.”

“No, apparently not… But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.”

I tried to convince Daesung that it really didn’t bother me, but I knew he didn’t believe me. But the thing is that although I feel like he should have told me. I understand that logically, he wasn’t obligated in telling me jack shit. Hyung doesn’t owe me any explanations. If I wasn’t feeling comfortable about the physical intimacy, it was well within my capabilities to inform him… to get him to stop. It’s not as if I’m in love with Jiyong hyung.

I’m really not in love with him. I’m just confused.

That night, I tossed and turned in my bed. I wasn’t really in deep thought about anything. I was waiting… Waiting for a certain person to walk in and lie in bed with me as if this were his own bedroom, as if this were his own bed.

Unsurprisingly, like clockwork, at 2 am, he walked in and climbed into bed with me. He didn’t snuggle up to me like usual. He just lied down facing me.

I could feel his breath hitting my face as his face was a mere few centimetres away from mine.

“You went to have dinner with Daesung… just you two.”

He knew I wasn’t asleep, not that I was pretending.

“You two should have told me. I could have accompanied you both. Wouldn’t you have preferred it if I was there?”

I stayed quiet. I didn’t really have an answer for that.

“You asked about J… Youngbae told me… that you asked about J.”

“Youngbae and I fought just before. He’s angry at me because … because of what I’m doing to you. The confusing situation I’ve put you in… it’s making you sad… he said.”

I could hear it. There was sadness in his voice. Not that it was hard to pinpoint. His voice was cracking as if he was about to start crying.

Don’t cry…

“No, Jiyong hyung. You’re not confusing me. I was sad because I thought we were close enough for you to share your heartbreaks with me.”

That’s a lie. But that lie defined our relationship for the next twelve years.

A simple conversation at two in the morning between a clueless sixteen-year-old and a confused eighteen-year-old define a relationship… a friendship that lasted over a decade.

He thought that we were okay because I wasn’t going to misunderstand anything. He not only continued his physical intimacy, he escalated it. To him, it seemed like we removed all barriers between us that night.

But it didn’t.


	8. Eighth

We raced passed the next few weeks and finally our debut was released. I want to say that it was everything I imagined it to be. I want to say that finally I got my dream. I want to say that now we debut, I got to say finally I’m an idol.

I was wrong.

The variety show, Big Bang: The Beginning, was streamed over a million times online so by the time we debuted, we had already garnered a fanbase… or should I say the four other members did.

Even though I made it as a member, all of them made me feel like I still didn’t belong there. All the other fours had talent that could be seen from a mile away.

I lacked that… Every single one of them showed it.

The fans didn’t like me…

Although we had already debuted, I felt like I was back to square one. All the members felt like they were soaring high. You could see it in the way they all shined on stage.

Even when Daesung didn’t hit those high notes at the bridge of La La La, his smiles always reached his eyes. Even when Seunghyun didn’t get the moves of the choreography correctly, he would continue to dance with as much energy. Youngbae and Jiyong preformed exactly as they practiced every time.

They were all perfect.

I hit all my high notes exactly right. All my moves were done to perfection. I smiled and performed exactly right but something was missing. I was bland. My performances were bland.

The members never said anything about it, but everyone constantly pointed it out on our online fan café.

“Hyung, am I supposed to be here? Am I allowed to stand beside all of you?”

Jiyong slammed my laptop close and pushed it to the foot of the bed. He yanked my face to look at his directly in the eyes.

“Don’t you dare say that. You aren’t part of Big Bang, you are Big Bang. You are Big Bang as much as any of us are Big Bang. This entire group would never function without you. Do you understand that?”

“No, I don’t because even you hated me at the start. It took you a year before you started talking to me.”

“That’s not entirely true, Seungri… I know I favoured Hyunseung at the start… I know. But when both of you got were given another chance, I knew that Hyunseung would never have added anything new to this group unlike you. I didn’t like you yet, but I knew you were the better choice. I was proven right when you sang Haru Haru in front of us. When I texted you, I wasn’t sure if you were going to listen, but I wanted you to sing in front of me. To show me something you didn’t show before.”

“You’re like a Kinder Surprise. The chocolate is great, but we’re all wanting that adorable toy inside.”

“They’re not going to see that because we are new, but we’re going to show them. You’re going show them. None of this doing things robotically. Do the things we have to, dance and sing like we have to, but add yourself into the performance. Add Seunghyun. Add victory into your performance and they’ll fall in love with you.”

“You won me over. I am the hardest person to win over, but you won me over. You can win anyone over, easy. You’re my little winner, my glorious Victory. Do you understand that?”

I understood what he was trying to tell me. It was moments like this that I realized hyung was the best.

No one was ever going to love me like how Jiyong hyung loved me.

But that’s a mere after-thought.


	9. Ninth

Jiyong hyung has a favourite flower. It’s a daisy.

Sometimes hyung will post pictures of sun flowers. Sometimes he’ll stand and pose in front of big, beautiful roses on a bush. Sometimes he’ll place small, little, coloured, flowers in his mouth for photos. All these flowers plastered on his Instagram account as G-Dragon.

But he loves daisies the most.

He places pictures and paintings of daisies in his home. He sticks daisy stickers on his writing book. He draws daisies on his shoes and clothes.

Jiyong loves daisies.

Promoting La La La eventually got easier. I started to show my true self… well a shade of it anyway. Jiyong hyung was showing me how to blossom slowly.

But as nice and caring as Jiyong hyung was…

G-Dragon was mean, harsh, and cruel.

Jiyong would tell me to be true to myself and show my true colours, but G-Dragon would give me that sickly, sweet smile when he thought I overdid certain things while promoting. A smile that told me to stop because he wasn’t pleased.

Jiyong was caring at night as he would lay in bed with me, protecting me from my loneliness and insecurities, but G-Dragon was disgustingly caring in the day, in front of all the cameras. Pressing me against walls, saying “I love you,” in radio shows but his whole attention towards the camera.

Fan service is essential in this industry.

Confusion was overwhelming. Confusion made me pull away. Confusion was too much for a 16-year-old boy.

Youngbae hyung was right.

I started to pull away from Jiyong hyung. Not only because he was constantly pulling as Jiyong and pushing as G-Dragon, but because everyone saw us in a certain way. His touches were being misunderstood.

We were being misunderstood.

At first, it was okay. I could take holding his hand. I could take the soft touches. I could take the whispers to my ear, the kisses to my cheeks. I could take it even if he was doing it with none of his attention to me.

I could take it…

What I couldn’t take was how they responded. People started saying that the two of us were together, that we were too close, that it was unusual for two boys to be so close.

Jiyong would take me shopping, his hand around my wrist, dragging me to whatever shop got his attention.

Whispers…

People would whisper.

“Are those two boys together?”

“Freaks…”

I started to pull away.

But funnily enough that wasn’t the wedge that drove us apart. It was still Jiyong. So far, our relationship, our entire friendship, moved at Jiyong’s pace. Jiyong would push and pull, while I accepted every motion and responded accordingly. If Jiyong wanted to be close, I accommodated. If Jiyong wanted to be far, I stayed away.

I accepted everything he gave me but that gets tiring after a while. Cuddling close to Jiyong, while pretending to welcome G-Dragon’s actions that were done to please people behind a screen… that was tiring.

Her…

She was someone I met when I was 13, living in Gwang-ju- the sister of one of my fellow members in Il Hwa. I knew she was interested in me back then. It wasn’t hard to tell, she was painfully obvious.

But at 13, I had very little interest in romance. I only had interest in myself. Now at 16, confused about myself and where I stood, I was very interested in her.

I met her again after debuting, when she moved in Seoul with her family. We got along well…We got along well enough for me to find some semblance of normalcy in being interested in the opposite sex.

It was normal.

Despite our recent debut, we had no dating ban. Hyun Suk believed it was unreasonable to place dating bans on his artists, so we could date so long as we were discrete.

… so long as we didn’t air our dirty laundry in public…

“I saw you with someone… that same girl as before.”

“Who is she?” He didn’t even attempt to hide his irritation.

“No one, hyung.”

All the irritation disappeared from his expression, his eyes completely cold as they stared at me. As he listened to me lie.

“I hate liars. I hate liars the most.”

He walked away.

Who is she?

Hyung got his answer on December 12, 2006, my birthday.

I had celebrated my birthday in YG with all my members and the staff. Everyone was having fun, even Jiyong hyung was back to his usual, adoring and drowning me in affections.

I’m outside YG. Meet me for a bit. I have your present. – Her

I rushed down after receiving that text, hastily putting a hood over my head to make sure I was hidden.

As I got out, a hand yanked me to the corner of the building, away from wandering eyes.

Before I could react, hands were placed on each side of my face as I was yanked down for a kiss.

A kiss…My first kiss on my 17th birthday.

As romantic as that sounded, the kiss was nothing but awkward. I really wasn’t feeling it, not the romance anyway. Not for my lack of interest in physical intimacy, I was just caught off-guard.

Well… that and someone had caught my attention in the corner of my eye. Apparently Jiyong hyung had followed me down and was now staring at me as I received my first kiss.

The excited and blissful smile that decorated his face before, now nowhere to be found.

He walked away again.


	10. Tenth

I gently withdrew away from her. I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t respond to her advances at all, considering how hard it must have been to muster up the courage to kiss me first.

I looked down on her with feigned shyness, trying to bite down any hint of awkwardness.

I smiled…

“Thank you. That’s one hell of a gift.”

She smiled back, not just any smile though. An uncontrollably happy, yet shy smile. One that made me take a short gasp of breath, because I forgot I needed to breathe.

I walked back into the dance room where all the staff and my members had gathered to celebrate my birthday. My steps heavy as I dreaded the inevitable conversation I was going to have with Jiyong after what he saw.

But when I got back into the room, he wasn’t there anymore.

“Youngbae hyung, where’s Jiyong hyung?”

“He went back to the dorm. Said he was feeling tired.”

I stayed with everyone for another hour but got ready to leave afterwards. I figured with everyone here, it would be the perfect time to confront him.

As I walked out, Youngbae hyung grabbed my shoulder back, turning my body to face him.

“I’m not stupid, Seunghyun. I don’t know exactly what’s going on but remember, boundaries. Not for YG, not for Jiyong, not for any of us, but for yourself. “

He brushed a hand over my cheek, and with that Youngbae hyung walked back in.

When I got back to the dorm, I headed straight to my room. What I didn’t expect to see was Jiyong laying on my bed facing the wall.

“Hyung…” My voice trembled. I didn’t really know what to feel about all of this. 

He started to get up out of my bed.

“Ah, my youngest is grown up.”

He walked closer to me and leaned down, leveling to my height.

“My baby is all grown up.” His voice purposefully mocking a baby voice.

“Please stop…”

He yanked me closer, stopping just as his mouth was right by my ear.

“She can keep Seunghyun, but I’ll have Seungri. I’ll keep Seungri.” His voice low and weak, barely holding on to that dark and angry persona as a front.

He widened his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. He walked away.

That was the last time he called me Seunghyun.


	11. Eleventh

Hyung stopped coming into my room at night. He stopped hugging me at night. He stopped clinging into me at every opportunity he could.

But he kept his promise. He kept Seungri.

Whenever we were promoting, he would still stay close to me. He would be his playful self. But one thing was different. His smiles didn’t reach his eyes.

The glow of adoration in his eyes whenever he looked at me disappeared.

All this kept hyung up at night, drowning in his own sorrows by writing lyrics and making music. It was the best way for him to let out his emotions. It was the only way for him to let out his emotions.

All this kept me up at night, listening outside his recording room in our dorm, as he voiced feelings of sorrow, regret, and apologies.

Funnily enough, the experience led him to write his best song yet.

His music for me. His words for me.

Lies…

I’m so sorry but I love you.

I gave you scars.

I should have never let you go to waste.

Originally, the song was supposed to be released as a G-Dragon solo, but as our debut failed to make a distinct mark to the public, Hyun Suk found it was better that it would be released as a group EP.

Jiyong caved but he demanded one thing…

On the day of our recording, aside from my lines after his rap and in the bridge, hyung told me to sing over Youngbae and Daesung for the chorus. Hyun Suk was horrified at the prospect that I would be singing so much of the song but Jiyong wouldn’t budge.

As I was recording in the booth for the chorus, Jiyong would stare at me emptily through the clear, glass screen. The recording of the chorus alone took 4 hours because he was a perfectionist. He had a vision as to how this chorus should be sung.

I don’t know what it is… Maybe its me tired from the physical, mental, and emotional turmoil.

When we finished recording the chorus, it was already 3 am and we were the only two left in the studio. As I walked out of the booth, he handed me an ice-cold bottle of water.

I couldn’t look him in the eye. I kept my gaze on the bottle in my hands

“Hyung, why…” My voice only a mere whisper after hours of singing.

“Don’t…” He lifted my chin up with his finger, up to look at him then higher till I was looking up at the ceiling.

“I promised I’d keep Seungri, that’s all.” He dragged his hands down my neck and left a small kiss on my throat- directly on my Adam’s apple. That part of me that was aching because of singing notes too high for my unstable voice.

He turned to leave the room, leaving me all to myself.

I’m jealous that some people have so much power that they can just walk in and out of people.


	12. Twelfth

“Can’t repeat the past? Why of course you can!”

\- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

At 27, I understand that life is but a painful cycle. People don’t want to learn and, at the very least, the past is predictable.

It’s easy to blame Jiyong for what’s happening between us. Despite only having a two-year gap between us, he’s acted like it was twenty.

But I’m not completely unreasonable. This is also my fault.

I’ve placed such a great burden on him as I off-loaded feelings of negativity. I’ve drowned myself in his presence and attention to ignore my loneliness and insecurities.

As much as I hated not knowing where I stood, I hated missing him more.

A few weeks down the line, hyung and I found a medium.

I was sitting outside on the top floor of our dorm building, trying to give my brain a break.

I was thrilled and excited that Lies was going to be released in two weeks. I know the fans are going to love it. Hyung is a genius for creating such a beautiful song. I just hope they’re going to be okay with me singing so much of it.

“Seungri, what are you doing up here?”

I heard Jiyong’s voice behind me followed by the sound of the door being closed. I turned around looking at him as I waited for him to take a seat beside me. 

He placed a spare jacket that he’d brought with him around my shoulders.

“Nothing, the cold it is calming me down.” I said with a small voice, uncertain due to the transience of whatever’s between us.

“Ah, are you nervous about the release?”

“Not really. I just know they’re going to love it. Hyung, you’re a genius.”

A small laugh escaped from his lips, a shy laugh. I looked over to see him looking at me, biting his lower lip so he doesn’t let out a smile too big.

Sometimes, I get the urge to tell him not to hold back his smiles because its my favourite. He shines when his smiles reach his eyes- when his smiles are a complex combination of overwhelming happiness and shyness.

“Hyung, don’t ignore me… please. It’s too hard.” His face fell, any remnants of that smile that I’ve come to crave is gone.

He placed an arm around my shoulder as he leaned the side of his forehead against mine. We were silent for a while, just looking at the clear, night sky.

“I won’t. Ignoring you was too hard when all I want to do is suffocate you with my presence.”

“But I can’t do that either. I just need to find the middle, right?”

“Yeah… the middle…”

“Seungri, you’ll find the middle for me as well, won’t you?”

“Of course, hyung.”

Ah, hyung really is just as confused as I am. We don’t know where to put ourselves when it comes to each other.

“Where did you get your inspiration from?

“From Seungri.”

“What do you mean?”

“I only need to look at him and inspiration comes.”

As I predicted, Lies became a huge success. Not only because the song was new and fresh, but because it was the first time an idol group was releasing a song that was written and produced by one of its members.

Hyung was loved. Unsurprisingly, so was I. The fans grew to love me too as my presence in Lies was so prominent.

“Jiyong hyung, thank you.”

“Stupid, I didn’t do it because I wanted them to love you. I did it because I love you.” He brushed a hand over my short hair.

It was soft affection since that night. Hyung was no longer ignoring me nor drowning me in affection. He was just like all the other hyungs now.

I was grateful for that.

We found our middle ground.

Along with the success of Lies, was the downfall of my relationship with her. I became so busy with promotions and lives that it was impossible to see her regularly.

Although I say that. I knew there was another reason we were parting.

She wasn’t angry though.

“Even though it wasn’t for very long, I wish you spoke about me with as much affection and adoration in your voice and in your eyes, as you do whenever you speak about him.”

On a rainy afternoon, she said goodbye with a sad smile.

I walked back into the dorm, overwhelmed by the tightness in my chest. This stupid weather was only making me more depressed.

Jiyong was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching some weird historical drama.

I didn’t feel like sitting in my room by myself, so I walked up to him. I plopped myself behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I leaned my head against his back, seeking comfort.

“Sorry hyung, just for a while, let me do this.”

“Did she dump you?” His voice trailed but his attention still towards the screen in front of him.

I nodded my head against his back instead of giving him a vocal response. I wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“Do you feel like it’s the end of the world right now?” He unraveled my linked hands that was on his stomach then proceeded to intertwine our fingers together.

“I think I’m sad because I feel and know that it’s not. I want to be affected by this with the same devastation as when other people break up… But I don’t.”

“I just feel empty.”


	13. Thirteenth

“A reminder that, no matter how rare, there will always be times where we’re living and reveling in the same moment.”

He says as he locks a watch around my wrist. A watch identical to the one he already has on his wrist.

Suffice to say, things were going well.

As we approached the end of 2007, so did the promotions for Lies.

Jiyong’s masterpiece had become the Song of the Year. Some even said that is was probably the best K-pop song of the century. Hyung was reinventing idol groups and music.

We were also doing very well. We were close, but we held boundaries.

However, people are funny. Whenever things are going well, we seem to find expert ways to destroy it.

So, at the end of 2007, an opportunity came for me to audition for the main lead of Sonagi, and I took it.

See, I had created a problem because we were supposed to be spending most of the following year doing promotions in Japan. Japanese promotion entailed us to be living in Japan as well. This meant I had to divide my time between promoting in Japan and Sonagi.

Someone was not going to be happy about what I was doing.

It was January of 2008, and we were already settled in our dorms in Japan. I was rooming with Jiyong to his pleasure, while Youngbae and Daesung were in a dorm together. Seunghyun hyung shared his dorm with the manager.

The manager called me in to the lounge area of our dorm and told me I had successfully snatched the lead role of Sonagi.

“You’ll be flying back home next week so you can start rehearsals. I have prepared your schedule for the next few months between promotions here and the play. You’ll be missing some of the Japanese promotions but that’s okay. I’m sure your hyungs will ensure that the fans know who you are.”

I was supposed to be listening to our manager go over my schedule, but most of my attention was concentrated towards Jiyong, who was standing in the kitchenette area behind the lounge area, hearing for the first time that I was not going to be in Japan with them for promotions.

I tried to revert my attention back the schedule on the table, when not even five minutes later, both the manager and I jumped out of our seats from a sudden slam of a door.

Jiyong was angry.

Our manager let out a long sigh.

“You better talk to him. I can deal with organizing an entirely different schedule for you, but I’m not dealing with a cranky Jiyong for you.”

With that he got up and out of the dorm.

To be honest, I didn’t really want to explain myself. I also didn’t feel like I had to, but I didn’t want the other members having to deal with his bad mood tomorrow just because I wanted to evade the issue.

Just as I got up from my seat, hyung opened his door. His eyes livid. His lips tight as if we trying to contain his angry.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He yelled at me, towering over me.

He just glared at me for a while, his expression was that of pure rage…

But then the anger suddenly broke. His eyes started to get watery.

“Why are you leaving?” His voice now broken and hoarse.

“You said I had to give you space. You said I couldn’t be clingy. You said that I had to find the middle. I did all of that. “

“You couldn’t handle me constantly being around you, confusing you so I stopped. I let you move. I let you move at your pace so that I could keep you. I had hope that giving you that space to grow would mean you’d stay.”

“Hyung you’re no longer making any sense. How can you give me space to grow and expect me to stay?” I whispered back.

Tears rolling down his cheeks, as he looked away from me.

“What more do I have to do to get you to stay?” He wanted to be angry with me, but more than that, he wanted to beg me to stay.

“Hyung I’m right here.”

“For now. But you’re leaving next week. You literally won’t be here.”

“I won’t be here but I’m going to come back. I’m always going to come back.”

“Hyung, you can’t ask me to drop this. I want this. I really, really want this.” I tried to convince him to stop his possessive behavior. As much as we were in one group together, I was also trying to be an individual, pursing my own interests.

He plopped himself on the ground, running his hands through his growing hair.

“Seungri, I’m being unreasonable, aren’t I?” He looked up at me, looking completely defeated.

I crouched down in front of him, placing my forehead against his.

“I’m leaving. But I’m going to come back.”

His expressions reduced to an irritated pout. He looked at me, sniffling his nose.

“Fine.” With that, he walked back into his room.

The following week Daesung, Seunghyun, and Youngbae hyung took me to the airport for my flight back home.

“Seungri, I’m so proud of you. Do your best, alright?” Youngbae hyung was helping me with my bags.

Just as I was about to board, Daesung hyung gave me a tight hug and the widest smile.

“You’ll do just fine, kiddo.” Seunghyun hyung said as he ruffled my hair.

“Bye you guys.”

It felt so good to be able to say goodbye to them… to say goodbye to my members… to say goodbye to my brothers. It reminded me of the time I was kicked out of Big Bang, but I only had Youngbae hyung to support me.

Now, they’ve all grown to care for me and support me.

Just before my first performance, I received a text from a person that hadn’t texted me since I left.

I expect only the best from you. – Jiyongie Hyung

When I arrived back in Japan, I walked straight into Jiyong’s room. He was sitting on his bed, in front of his laptop working on a song.

I just stood by the doorway listening to him sing new lyrics to a melody I hadn’t heard before.

Because I had no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories…

I can bear it in some way…

I can stand it in some way…

You should be happy if you’re like this…

Haru Haru…

By the end of it, he was looking straight at me. I know those words are for me.


End file.
